Auntie Janey’s Old-Fashioned Agony Column No. 60: The Perfect Ex

All letters in this site are published in their unedited form.

Dear Auntie Janey,

It has been two very long years since my first relationship ended. My ex-boyfriend ended the happiest 372 days of my life just because he felt that I loved him too much. No cheating, no lies, no unforgivable or unthinkable act. Just that I loved him more, and that he loved me less. Or he didn’t love me at all (anymore).

I was devastated after he broke up with me. But I tried to accept the fact that at that point in his life, I was not the person he wanted and needed. And I succeeded somehow. One month after, I learned that he had a new relationship, and I was generally okay with it. Extremely painful, I can’t even explain. But I understood that the tall, mildly cute, fit, coño student was going to make him happy at that point in his life and not me, the rapidly-gaining-weight fresh grad whose professional life was miserable and who allowed his stress to seep into his relationship. Think Andy Sachs drowning Nate with endless stories of her misery at Runway.

I started dating other guys soon after, hoping to find a new love, but they never matched up to my ex. Of course, I know I shouldn’t compare. But that is highly impossible and illogical. That’s how my past affects my present and my future. So compare I did and no one even made a tiny dent on how I thought my ex was the best, most perfect guy I know.

But I continued dating, thanks to the Internet and my iPhone, Steve Jobs’ love-life resuscitation device. I dated and dated, and even stupidly (of course I realized this only in retrospect) saying “I love you, too” to a couple of guys I only barely liked. I have had three boyfriends after my first, with these relationships ranging in duration from a few days to a few weeks. And I doubt that even qualifies them as actual boyfriends and relationships.

I know two years is such a long, long time to still be longing and pining over someone who left your barren wasteland to move on to someone else’s greener pastures. And I honestly and truly want to meet someone I can sincerely love. Bu after having met and dated over a hundred guys already (and counting!!!), I have yet to meet someone I like and for whom I could feel the initial sparks of love.

I think there are two reasons behind this. First, I think my ex was and is perfect. I adore and love every aspect of his being until now. His smile, the way he talks, his opinions, the friends he has chosen and continues to love, his education, his ambition, his history, his family, his choice of clothes, his choice of shoes, his nose, his toenails, etc. And even though we have already lost contact, I continue to stalk him online and continue to love him and his perfection from what I see there.

The second reason would be my relatively high standards. I judge my dates on every aspect of their being that they allow me to see. And a single turn-off would be an immediate deal breaker. I’ve dated several decent, cute, intelligent and confident men, but there has always been at least one thing that would turn me off completely and most of the time instantly: horribly ugly shoes, disgustingly unmaintained toenails or the inability to finish a book. Some friends say I’m being terribly mababaw when I explain my standards to them, but what I do is analyze all these attributes of the guys I date so that I can get an idea of how they live their lives and how they value themselves, and I know that that is what is most important to me. Physical compatibility (height, weight, attractiveness index) only comes second.

I continue to date and date and I continue to be disappointed. And now, as I start to go through my next hundred possibly disappointing dates, I am afraid that if ever I choose not to live alone and find myself a partner, I would only be settling for someone who I don’t truly love but comes closest to what my ideal partner is.

I know that I need to fulfill my desire to be loved and to love to be happy and content with my life, but there seems to be no viable candidate whose affections I am willing to receive and to whom I would willingly give mine.

No one — expect for my ex.

Still not over,
Mike

 

Dear Mike,

You are screwed. It seems that you are determined to become single forever. You are just going through the motions of moving on yet your heart is not into it.

I think there is something wrong when somebody tells you that you love him too much. It could mean that you are possessive, jealous, demanding or needy. Nobody would complain of being loved too much if he did not feel suffocated.

These so-called standards of yours, for me, are merely your ploy to remain free and available for your ex just in case he becomes unattached again. Yes, you read it right. You are doing this intentionally. You are doing the waiting game. Do not deny it.

You are not really looking for an actual partner but for a substitute, which as you admitted, is not a good thing. And holding the candidates up against your ex is unfair. Remember, you were dumped which means that the standards you have do not suit you. I am not saying that you are inferior, I am just saying that these standards that you have may be largely disproportionate to what you can offer. Have you actually considered what you can offer to the prospective suitors? Do not be so selfish and self-centered.

We all have different ideas of what a good partner should be. You would have a chance of finding love again if you loosen some of your standards that are non-essential. Identify the standards that a partner must have and those that are negotiable. You cannot have it all and you definitely do not have it all.

It is up to you really. You are definitely going to be alone for a long long time. Maybe it will serve you well in the end or maybe not. Only time can tell.

Truly Yours,

Auntie Janey

Email: agoniesforauntiejaney@gmail.com

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